I’ve been batteling this for years, and just recently I’ve begun to see some improvement. There are many ways to approach this, one of them is in my previous entry.

This time I want to focus on the meaning of “self esteem”. To esteem someone basically means to respect the person. Who do you esteem and/or respect?
One of the things that caracterizes people you respect is that they affirm you and that they can be trusted. They don’t lie to you, but they keep their word.

Do you keep your word to yourself? When faced with this I soon realized that -especially during these troubled times- I tended not to keep my promises to myself.
 What then happens to my self respect, i e my self esteem?

I’ve been saying to myself that I would take a short walk every day to get some air and refletion time. That lasted for to days and then disappeared.
I promised myself that I would take the time to finish a course that I’m taking over the internet (see entry “Above a dove”). I haven’t.
The list goes on…

To improve my self esteem, I have to start taking myself seriously. Like with any other friend or relative, I have to be trustworthy to maintain that relationship. That applies to myself also.

I still have some way to go, but the times I consciously keep my word to myself, I really do feel better about myself. And when I start to concider myself trustworthy, I can decrease the amount of self-criticism in my life.
 If there is one person I need by my side in the process of self improvement, it’s myself!

It doesn’t happen instantly, but I need to start getting some positive inputs, and this is one way. Then combine it with other things that improve the way you feel about yourself, and you will be on your way!

Finally, it might be helpful to also notice the possibility of not making as many promises…

What use is an unused blog? So, here I go again – once again in a new form…

It’s been over six months since I wrote anything here, and the reasons for this are several. Mostly, I haven’t had the energy needed to gather my thoughts and getting them on print. Also, I have been a father for almost exactly as long as my absence from this place.

But to be completely honest, I haven’t been feeling that well. I’ve been fighting physical illnes to and fro for over a year and now we also know that a large portion of it has been caused by psychological stress and tenseness. (This combined with a tic-infection that my body has -unknown to anyone- been fighting without treatment has not been the basis for a great time…)

As I’m now getting better on all levels, I wish to share some of the things that I have learned through this time. I will probably not give a very organized and categorized account of this -and if I did it would probably never get done- but I will try to separate it into thoughts and experiences that I hope you can relate to. So- here goes!

My thought for this time is that of affirmation when it comes to self esteem.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for a couple of months now to find out why I’ve been so tense and tender around people. Both strangers and my closest family.

When we were discussing the issue of getting affirmation and definement from others, I was talking about how few of the things I do has got much value unless someone else “approves” it.

My therapist then asked me about self-affirmation; that if I’m satisfied with something I’ve done, that should be good enough for me. I basically just looked at him, and got the erie feeling that this was a little too unknown for me. I just had to admit that it was almost a new thing to me, even though I surely have heard about it a million times before.

Then started the task of examining my life on a day-to-day basis. How often did I let something be good enough just because I thought so?
  – Not very often, sadly.

This was a little while ago, and I’ve now started to practice not to point out things I’ve done, and not to wait for others opinions before expressing my own. Instead I tell myself that I’m content with my work and if they agree, that’s my bonus…

Suddenly I find myself walking with my head a little higher held, and I feel a bit more content with myself, now that I’m not constantly seeking the “help” from others. I also feel better about myself not being too desperate to find approval. I get the feeling I also could be getting just a tad easier to hang out with…

If you recognize what I’m talking about here, I suggest you do an inventory of your own thoughts about the things you do. If you get a similar result to mine, I encourage you to start thinking that you are the one who decides over your own life, and if you like it,  and if you think it’s good enough, maybe it just is!

Of course people can have disagreeing opinions about what you do, and sometimes they can be right. But when just the thought of their opinion stops you from doing what you think is right or what makes you feel good about yourself, then it might be time to give yourself credit for some sensible judgement on your own life…

After all – it is y o u r life and the others are just visiting your ”home”!

Good luck!

So; here we are now. A brand new year. It is a time for reflection and contemplating what we want this clean slate to be filled with. Many things are beyond our control, but as fellow humans, we can very much play a part in the shaping of our future.

Do you want to improve your world? I believe we all can. It’s a matter of finding out what you can do and do it. To every day ask yourself what you can do to make the world just a little bit better.

The key to change lies in the small things. We all know that a small act of kindness towards us can make our whole day seem brighter.

Real kindness doesn’t need a reason or a reward. It gives just for the sake of giving. An unprovoced act of kindness if you will…

I was thinking about this coming year and what I wanted to change, now that it lies here unlived in front of me. Should I make any resolutions? I try to avoid setting unrealistic goals and I usually end up skipping the whole concept.

This year, though, it suddenly became clear to me. I thought about things I wanted to achieve and what would be the most constructive way to do it, while still being realistic. What I came up with was this:

This year I will try to sieze the small moments where I have the opportunity to be kind to someone else, preferably a stranger. Basically doing random acts of kindness. Hopefully at least one every day. It really doesn’t take much effort.

Also, this resolution also has the potential to improve my own life drastically. To look for opportunities to be nice on a daily basis can lift my own spirit and give me a more positive mind frame.

I hereby challenge you to do the same, maybe just once in a while. (The best acts of kindness are those who actually get done…)

Are you in?

I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas about this. Maybe we could give each others tips on creative and simple ways to improve the world around us?

Good luck!

To fully share your life with someone is an incredibly fascinating thing. It is also one of the scarier. (Assuming, of course, that you share your days in honesty…) To let someone see your every fear and hope, and trusting they will handle them with care and respect, is terrifying. But once you learn to trust, you can get a greater enjoyment of getting to share your true thoughts and feelings with another human being. And as trust is mutual, you will also have the privilege of seeing the deeper part of your confidant.

I believed I was a quite open person, ready to share myself with others. But since I met my wife, I have realized that I was not fully aware of what I was sharing and not.

I was more than willing to share the things I was proud of and some minor flaws, but when it came to the more sensitive things in life, and the less impressive parts of my personality, it turns out I was not quite ready to let anyone in to see them. I never realized that I had walls like these.

Like the beautiful city of Dubrovnic, I have solid walls surrounding the core of my inner “city”. But unlike this Croatian pearl, I wouldn’t let people come in to see the beauty. I was happy to give guided tours of the things I was proud of, but when it came to the rest, the gates were locked tight. No one was allowed to browse around on their own.
 I’m guessing you wouldn’t stay too long in Dubrovnic if you were only allowed to peek over the walls of the inner city…

The problem is that this defence was based on my assumptions of what would be appreciated or not. The thing is, that you can’t really feel close to a person who doesn’t let you see their whole being. And it’s also not for certain that they will be repelled by your bad sides. The truth revealed in honesty can be the foundation of a wonderful relationship in spite of the odd pile of garbage in the corners.
In my case, I’ve actually gotten a great deal of help to get my act together, feeling accepted all along the way. That would probably not have happened if I hadn’t dared to open my gates.

Of course you should be careful who you let in to the most private parts of your being, but my point is that you have to take the risk and invest in your relationships if you want them to bloom. (And it is only fair that you’re let in past their walls as well…)

And remember; the other person is probably just as scared as you to open their gates…

So, instead of being lonely behind our walls, let’s open up and be ourselves! It’s scary, but very worth it!

Stay with me!

When hardship whispers of defeat

And my flesh keeps me inprisoned

When truth burns its mark

and the world sees only my surface

When future’s lighthouse is fogged

and thoughts like concrete tumble through my mind

Willing hands wait for meaning

Thy will be done, when I want

Use me, but don’t use me

Patience is just a word – urgency never waits.

Come and sit a while with me

Professional players have honed their skills in spotting signs and estimate probabilities as they have won and lost on their way to mastering the game. But even at the top, you still find yourself being had by your opponent, even though it hopefully happens less often.

My point in all this is that no one is able to say for sure what other people are thinking. Make a qualified guess about your friend’s favourite scene in a certain movie, and a lot of times you will find yourself being surprised, (and quite possibly intrigued as well).

But even though I know the odds are against me, I constantly find myself making snap judgements of what people are thinking about me and the things I say or do. Statistically, I know I’m probably way off, but still I act on it like it was true, never even giving the person the chance to prove me wrong. The times when I’ve actually asked people what they think, more often than not, they hadn’t even noticed my error.

Now, first off I’m not fair to them, assigning them negative thoughts without giving them a chance to respond. Secondly, and more importantly, I’m not being fair to myself, assuming that people have negative thoughts about me. Not only am I unfairly punishing myself by this, I also put myself down on their behalf, which ultimately can cause me to have negative thoughts back towards them
   – I really shouldn’t put my money on such a risky bet!

The best thing to do must be to try keeping in mind that I’m making risky assumptions, and remind myself that it is their responsibility to let me know if they have a problem with what I say or do, in the same way that I can’t expect someone to correct their behaviour towards me if I don’t let them know how I feel.

In order to improve my everyday life, I’m going to do my best to practice what I just preached, and assume people don’t think I’m a horrible person. Because most people really don’t.

Otherwise – let them prove it first!

I think this is one of those genius win-win ideas that make our world a little better. The person selling is able to work and get paid, while also getting to talk to people and at least lower some of the walls we often seem to raise when people don’t fit into our frame of mind. The people reading the articles get a nuanced picture of what life is really like on the rougher side, and hopefully they gain some understanding and compassion for their neighbours.

This is already enough to make me very hopeful about the state of our community, but my spirit was lifted even further today as I stood there watching this salesman. In the brief period I observed him, several people bought the magazine, but more importantly, there were also people stopping just to chat and say hello for a second. That’s just wonderful!

The big risk for these people is to lead an isolated life in the shadows, being ignored by others and thus feeling like they don’t exist. Just a nod and a hello is actually enough to show this person that he exists and that I respect him. (See also the earlier post “By this roadside”)
 And most of all, it confirms his worth as a human regardless of his circumstances, and that’s worth more than money in my book.

Because sometimes laughter really is the best medicine!

While laughing, you – at least for a moment- get some distance from things that weigh heavy on your mind. Hopefully, you can also keep some of this distance afterwards as well…

Here are some links to get you going:

To warm you up

- All friends bloopers
Part 1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhQoz0n9kkA
Part 2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJGq9HF1UCw&feature=related
Part 3 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rCMdPHrlVoo&feature=related
Part 4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRQkORmOR0U&feature=related
Part 5 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-UchSdrxlM
Part 6 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHNQ2jZfLeU&feature=related
Part 7 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13wXa4VFRiY&feature=related
Part 8 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_JhkOaO_60&feature=related

And on to the stomach cramps…

- Whose line is it anyway
Scenes from a hat – playlist:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iytw8v1WVs&videos=ujf4XxyzMd0&playnext_from=TL&playnext=1

Worlds worst – playlist:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeGXUyGYu78&videos=akPvFaELfLI&playnext_from=TL&playnext=1

Get those happy hormones going, and remember: Nothing’s so bad that it can’t get better!

What’s the worst that can happen?

So, there I am, on the edge of my friends boat. As I step up to the board, I decide to give my friends something to watch.

In a flash of confidence I even ask a friend to pick up my camera and document the great back flip that I have now planned in my mind.
By the laws of physics, you need to grab your knees to get a bit of rotation if you’re gonna come all the way round before the water surface meets you.

Of all the small things I’ve forgotten in my life, this is one of those that had more than a small consequence.

If you can’t tell by the photo, I made a quite high jump (to have enough time to rotate) backwards and landed flat on my back, pondering ancient questions, like why it is necessary to have so many sensitory nerves connected to the skin on the back. The only thing hurting more than my skin now is the thought of breaking the surface and facing my friends, surely quite smug at this point…

Do you ever avoid doing something because of what others might think if you fail?

The truth is that in most cases, they probably didn’t even notice what you did wrong. I have consciously thought about what I would think about people doing the same mistakes as I have made. A lot of the time I didn’t react greatly and, the other times I felt nothing but sympathy for them.

So, maybe I shouldn’t let the possibility of making small human mistakes limit my freedom.
After all, if I remain in the same spot out of fear of being looked at as a jackass, I’ve already given the people (people I do not know) too much power over my life.

Besides, what if I fail?
Really, what if? Is that really such a bad thing?
We all fail, and we know it. However, we always want someone else to be the example.
Of all the embarrassing things you saw today, I bet you’ve made at least 80% of them yourself at some point.

My jump from the boat was far from a success, but even though it didn’t improve my day much, it certainly cheered up the people around me. And it probably made them less afraid to make their own mistakes that day, in the shadow of this great splash. That’s a good thing isn’t it?

And for myself, I learned (although the hard way) a little bit more on how to make a successful back flip.
Because I can assure you - You never make that mistake twice!

So, let’s go out and make this world a bit warmer by being human! At least you can’t fail at that…

What do you hope for? What’s the light at the end of your tunnel?

For the time being, I’m relying desperately on the hope of a change. The situation I’m in is not one I can endure indefinetly, and it’s affecting many areas of my life. In time, something has to change, but I’m not sure what. You could say I’m in a tunnel, waiting for the light, and it’s getting cold…

At the same time, I know that tunnels tend to end at some point. (Otherwise it would just be a cave, wouldn’t it?) From past experiences I’ve learned that eventually things work out, one way or another. I just have to press on, and remember that “this too, shall pass”…

However, this brings us to the aspect of hope that I’m not very keen on:
Hope requires patience.
Usually a lot of it.
But even though I’ve taken a lifetime of back-to-back lessons in patience, I don’t seem to master it any better now than when I was ten. There’s a time for everything under heaven, but my schedule seems to be cronically out of sync…

Although, as I force myself to look at this honestly, there is something to be learned from these “wasted” years. I have to, reluctantly, admit that things do tend to work out in the end. The hard times I’ve been through, I have  gotten through them.

Remembering this, and having an attitude of trying to learn from past experiences, that’s where hope grows.
 So never stop hoping! It’s what keeps us pressing on, and tunnels are neccecary to get where you’re going…

And you’re in good company…